Disguised.Me

Mirror, mirror.. tell me who you see? Am I you or me? I can never remember.

Disoriented

This entire week has been a wild ride and it’s not even over yet. Emotions are running high, mental health is running low, and everything else is happening in-between. I keep saying that I hope tomorrow is better and that I feel better, or sleep better, or at least can act a little more okay better.. but it’s starting to feel like I’m lying to myself about how much progress I’m making.

I need to unwind, have a few minutes to myself where it’s just me and whatever I want to do, with no people, no sound, no anything. I know that’s what my mental health needs, but I can’t help but be at war inside over how ridiculously selfish and self-absorbed that sounds.

Eventually I’ll make peace with some of the voices screaming inside my head, but for today, it’s just another episode of ‘doing my best and getting by’.

Winter Sickness?

Or sick of Winter?

I am constantly battling some kind of body ache, allergies, migraine, internal lady issues.. just neverending. Today I’m battling a nasty migraine and the worst heartburn.

I just want to crawl into bed for the next 2 years, at this point.

On the plus side, I have found several very promising prospects in my house-hunting adventures, so I’m hoping that things keep looking up that way so that I can finally start to see the light at the end of the tunnel. We’re branching out, looking in places we weren’t before, and seeing some little gems secreted away. Overall, it’s still underwhelming, but every once in a while, we’re seeing something pretty fucking nice.

Please send all good pre-approval and house-hunting juju our direction, because we need this desperately for a serious quality of life overhaul.

Comfort Zone Discomfort

Lately, I find that when I remain inside my comfort zone, I still feel a layer of underlying discomfort. It doesn’t make any sense, but it’s happening nonetheless. I want to say that it’s triggered by a degree of guilt because I’m remaining within that designated comfort zone, but at the same time, I just really don’t know if ‘comfort’ has the same level of depth it once did.

I find myself wondering if I can do better, or worse, or more, or less. It’s never a sense of completion and contentment within when I do something.. it’s just always a feeling of, “Is this really the product that I’m putting out here?”

I have to find a way to quit being so negative, quit being so self-critical, quit being so over the top in my ability to pick things apart.. and start being more caring and kind to myself.

Honestly, the idea of that sound absolutely terrifying, which means that in order to accomplish a little bit of pride, I have to step outside of my comfort zone.

Hooray.

Disconnect?

Today was a day of minimizing my online presence, and honestly it felt pretty good. Didn’t check Facebook, didn’t hop on Afterlife, barely even interacted through Discord. Just .. sort of had a day where it was just me, chillin’.

Got some cleaning done, did some reorganization, identified and removed several sources of clutter, and still somehow managed to sleep until noon. It’s back to work tomorrow, but they’re saying we’re going to have another snow day (3-5″ from 8am-3pm), so I’m hoping that someday my car will be out of the snow pile it’s been in since last week.

I’m hoping to make more headway on the awful ‘catch all’ room we have, but that involves throwing out 3-4 very large, very heavy pieces of furniture and my body is definitely not ready. I figure if I get all of it situated so it can easily get down the stairs, then we shouldn’t really have too bad of a time hitting it with some teamwork. After that, it should really be smooth sailing from there, because then I can setup the pieces of shelving that I’ve bought to act as a pop-up pantry.

I’m starting to finally see the light and I really hope that I’m able to make enough progress to where moving is a bit of a joke. Afterall, we’re only taking about 5 large pieces of furniture from this place (and several TVs), so it’s already going to be way better to move out than it was to move in.

If I keep making progress, I feel like my overall mental health and even professional productivity may improve! One can hope, anyway.

A Continuation of Self

I’m constantly at war with myself, trying to find ways to ultimately create a better version of me. In my current state, this means that even the slightest improvement is huge because I’m really, really low. My health isn’t the greatest because of my weight and general lack of communication with my doctor(s), my motivation is next to zero, simply because I’m stressed to death, and my level of enjoyment in things that generally are on my list of positives is basically nothing.

To combat this, I’ve been making a conscious effort to give myself time to enjoy things (playing WoW, crafts, watching things on TV) in between my quest I stated yesterday, which is a massive quality of life overhaul. It’s going well sometimes, and then other times I wake up at noon, disoriented and wondering where the weekend went.

I don’t have a terribly concrete grasp on what will help me, but I know that working into things I once enjoyed is only partially helping. I really need more things to do that are by myself. I don’t get to do any hands-on crafting because I lack space, so that one is pretty much out. But I can still attempt things, in smaller bites, and see what brings a tiny bit of warmth to the spark of joy inside of me.

I want to read, so desperately, but I rarely find that I have the time. When I do have the time, nothing holds my interest. I just stare at the same page, wondering if I even enjoy it anymore. I’d like to try audiobooks for a change of pace, but I find that they’re quite expensive and I’m not 100% sure if Audible is worth the subscription fee. But, as I keep reiterating, something has gotta give in the meantime. Sure it’ll be better when we move because I’ll be able to throw myself 100% in to making a house a home, but until then.. it just feels like everything is a little bit stuck.

Betterment

The process of buying a house has a lot of unknowns, the biggest one being timeline. We don’t know when we’ll be able to find a place or how long it will take once we do. Putting in offers, hoping for the best.. all very time-consuming (and stressful).

So in an effort to make peace with the fact that we’ll likely be here longer, up to another 6 months, I’ve gone on a rampage to try and start culling the shit we have in here and also doing small things to improve the quality of life. This includes swapping out our pantry shelving unit, thinning out our MASSIVE wardrobes and assorted wearables, clearing out furniture pieces that we no longer need/are damaged, etc.

It’s an undertaking and I’m going to do as much as I can during the weekends, because I can’t do much during the weeks. Hopefully, within the next couple months, I make some serious headway and we see a marked improvement in our quality of life. Or at the very least, find it easier to move because we have less stuff.

Too Many Directions

I’m not sure if my body is reacting to the stress of being pulled into 8 directions, if it’s mad because my cycle had been all fucked up and basically paused since September, or if I’m legitimately being eaten alive from the inside.

Either way, today I felt like (and still feel like) I’m dying.

I barely got through work which was a snow-day-travesty and then I threw all caution to the wind and climbed in bed at 4pm and slept until 7:30pm with a crippling migraine and intense stomach discomfort. Since I woke up at 7:30, I have felt like an overinflated balloon. I seriously don’t know what to even take to help it, but I went with ibuprofen since that will at least somewhat ease the pain in my head and back.

I’m so tired of being 30 years older than I really am, when it comes to physical body pain and exhaustion. Something’s gotta give, eventually.

And I definitely need a new computer chair because I think the DX Racer, while quite comfortable, might actually be killing me faster.

One more day of work and then it’ll be the weekend. I desperately need more sleep than I’m getting, so I’m sure I’ll sleep most of Saturday away.. again.

More Snow.

With another foot of snow pending, it’s another day of going to bed and hoping the power stays.

Hooray for winter. Stay safe and warm, friends.

Goodbye Internet!

We’re in the midst of one stupidly bizarre Winter and it’s really just getting started. We’re having ice storms and thundersnow and actual snow and just .. everything. And so that means that power is going out and internet is going out and my entire ability to stay awake depends on the internet after a long day, so I’m just going to call it and go sleep in the quiet dark (I hate it).

Stay safe, no matter where you are, because Winter is on a warpath in all regions this year!