Do you ever just look back on past friendships that have faded away and wonder what the catalyst was that ended it? Even if it’s not abrupt and you just .. slowly drift away, there always seems to be some kind of root cause. Like, most of my friendships that died while I was still in school were due to boys usually, so that’s pretty unsurprising.

But sometimes I look back at others and I’m just like, what happened? Where did we go wrong? Was it me? (It’s usually me.)

Sometimes I feel a bit sad about having lost them, though of course others it’s more of a good riddance feeling. But even now, I’ve started noticing when friendships start to fade, and I feel sadness when it begins.. but I still don’t seem to do anything about it. Why do I self-sabotage like that? Why is it so inherently difficult for me to make, keep, and cultivate lasting friendships?

When I was a kid, well into my late teens, my mom always had friends. She’d have the same friends, she’d make new friends, she’d have too many friends and they’d all be like, “We’re having a party here!” and “Well, we’re having a party here!” and she’d have to CHOOSE what she wanted to do. Like, she had options.

These days, I can’t even get some of my friends to return a damn text message. I always had people to talk to, spread across the wonderous World Wide Web! But now .. it feels weird. It feels like something is missing, because people are busy or I feel like I’m annoying and wanting too much and then .. and then I need a break and I don’t want anything.

And then it’s too late, and they’re gone.