Disguised.Me

Mirror, mirror.. tell me who you see? Am I you or me? I can never remember.

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January 26, 2021

Wasted Days, Wasted Nights

Today was an absolute waste of a day. Started out with a delayed opening at work due to the ice storm we had, which meant I was working from home for the first couple hours. Once I scraped the ice off my car in the still pouring freezing rain, I got to work and fought with my computer for the next 5 hours.

Truly a fantastic way to spend the day, if you absolutely hate yourself.

After a wasted day at work, in which I’m now surely so far behind that tomorrow will overwhelm me, I came home and ate a small snack while I’m still in my ‘eating’ window of my fasting cycle. I then promptly forgot to eat dinner and now I’m starving only 2.5 hours into my fast and I don’t get to eat until 11am tomorrow. So I’m considering breaking my fast already and basically making it so I can’t eat til dinner tomorrow, just because I’m fucking ravenous right now.

Basically, today was a total waste and I hope that tomorrow is infinitely better.

Filed Under: Emotions Tagged With: Depression, Health, Stress Leave a Comment

January 25, 2021

Open the Flood Gates

Now that the testing has been completed and I can stop stressing about that, I feel a bit of relief. I’ve got a plan to make sure that her weaker skills are getting some practice and that her stronger skills don’t get most of the attention (as they do currently.. which is why they’re stronger). Plus she’s got the start of a routine for her ‘asynchronous’ school work between live lessons, so I’m hoping that helps some, too.

On top of that bit of relief, I’ve completed a rather big task for work and I’m hoping the results of that come back soon so that I can potentially move forward with the next pieces of it, but as I’m being held up by someone else’s task, I’ve just got to wait it out. Completing that was a relief however, so that’s another stressor that’s lessened (but not totally gone yet).

And finally, today was launch day over on Afterlife for the previously mentioned Hoarders event, and though it has had some hiccups, overall it’s going fairly well. People are having fun building their collections and being more active (which is not-so secretly the goal), so I’m really excited about that. Here’s hoping that continues on.

All-in-all, it’s really an alright kind of day. But it can’t last, because we have an ice storm coming in, so I’ve gotta take my victories where I can while they’re hot for the taking. I only hope that it doesn’t knock out the power tonight.

Filed Under: Emotions Tagged With: Afterlife, Stress Leave a Comment

January 24, 2021

Anticipation

The strange thing about anticipation, is that it can be either good or bad. You can be anticipating something amazing happening, or something truly, fucking dreadful. And then, sometimes you can be anticipating the unknown, which is rarely fun for those of us who have anxiety and an overactive imagination. Tonight, I’m a mixture of many variants of anticipation.

Professionally, I’m anticipating something that could be good news, or could just mean more work for me depending on the feedback I get.

Personally, I’m anticipating a few things. Tomorrow morning, bright and early, the kid has her Q2 benchmark testing. This is to find out if she knows her shit or not, which is not where my concern lies. I know she knows her shit. But I also know that when you put her on the spot, on a video call, she suddenly does not know her shit and she has a tendency to lose her train of thought and get the giggles.

Also tomorrow, our Hoarders collecting event kicks off on Afterlife, which means excitement but also disappointment. I’m somehow notoriously unlucky when it comes to collecting full sets of our decks and I am notoriously uninterested in many of the decks that get voted into rotation. I don’t have very many common interests with the community at large, and this is where it ends up crippling me. I’ll have fun either way, but I really do hope that it brings a surge of life into the board, so that we can continue to build on the community that we’ve got so far.

And of course, the future. Buying a house, moving if/when we manage to buy a house, furnishing a house, cleaning up the place we’re in, change. I’m nervous, but I know that it’s what we need. It sucks here. We generally don’t like it. It doesn’t have anything we really need as far as space and storage. The scary change is needed, but it’s scary. It has so many ways it can go right, but so many ways it can go wrong. I just hope that hoping is going to tip the balance in the favor of good.

All in all, I’m a bundle of mixed feelings of anticipation. Good, bad, and goodbad (is that a thing?) but at least I’m feeling and I’m invested. I definitely went through a phase this past year where feeling was a bit of a challenge.

Here’s hoping that 2021 continues bringing me back to the state of being a functional human being.

Filed Under: Emotions, Introspection Tagged With: Afterlife, Future, Stress Leave a Comment

January 23, 2021

Ready, Set, Go!

Today’s post is brought to you by the Afterlife prompt which states that I need to set a timer for 10 minutes and just type for the duration. We’ll see what happens.

In my quest to find refills for my 5-gallon water bottle(s), I ended up having to bite the bullet and actually go to Wal-Mart. I had been avoiding it for .. well .. pretty much ever, but there’s just nowhere else in town that has these things. So I went this evening for 1-2 bottles as well as something to make for dinner. (I ended up making carne asada fries, 10/10, would recommend!)

Naturally, as is the case when I got to Wal-Mart or Target, I left with way more than what I went there for. I ended up snagging two really cute, lightweight sweaters for myself, some more of my hard-to-find, actually no-show socks, and a whole stack of board games to play with the kid. I grabbed her a bingo game, Chutes & Ladders, some Penguin Pile-Up balancing game, and a super fun I-Spy Dig In game. Also for myself, I got Harry Potter UNO, because who can walk past that for $5 and not grab it? (Spoiler: Not me.)

So this evening, after I made dinner, I sat down and we played 3 out of the 4 games that I got. It was pretty fun and I think it helped break up the monotony of how life has been going for the past year. Little by little, I keep adding to our little stack of games we can play together to pass 20 minutes and keep her interested. Anything beyond that, and I’ve lost her.

All in all, I’d say that’s a bit of a mom win. I’ll take it. <3

Filed Under: Shopping Tagged With: Family, Parenting, Prompt Leave a Comment

January 22, 2021

Eating Is Dangerous

I don’t know if it’s just an upset stomach or if I’m battling a small case of food poisoning, but either way it’s miserable and I’m going to sleep it off if I can.

Stay safe, wear a mask, and keep cackling at the Bernie memes. <3

Filed Under: Uncategorized Tagged With: Health Leave a Comment

January 21, 2021

Disenchanted

Lately, I find myself disenchanted with the things I used to enjoy. Video games, movies, books.. just everything. I don’t know if it’s because I feel like I don’t have enough time to enjoy these things (I sort of don’t?) or if I’m just not able to enjoy things anymore.

The magic of friendship in games keeps fading, though I have found a small group of people I adore. It’s just hard to feel like I have time to play with them.

I can’t read books because I can’t find a moment of peace to even try to read, and audiobooks seem hard to come by without paying a small fortune. (Anyone use Audible? Worth?)

I don’t have space to do any of my crafting hobbies, really. But I feel like I could potentially build myself space here, if I found my motivation. But it’s just easier to say, “No, I think I’ll wait til we move and have more space.” but I don’t know when that’s going to happen.

My life is an endless loop of procrastination.. even with the things I enjoy. It’s bizarre and probably a large contributor to my overall sour mood with life lately.

Some might call that depression, which sure, it’s likely there and playing its part. But, there’s got to be more. I spend so much of my time telling myself that I don’t have time, that it ends up coming true because I’ve spent all that time going on about it in my own head. If I’d just do whatever I’m saying I don’t have time to do, I’d have time to do it!

Being a complex human being is hard. I don’t think I like it much.

Filed Under: Emotions, Entertainment Tagged With: Depression, Hobbies, Stress Leave a Comment

January 20, 2021

A Time For Change

With the kid finishing up the last of her neglected Q2 assignments (and some more loose tooth drama!), I just won’t have time to come up with anything profound today.

However, today was a history-making day for America, so let’s all take some time to be proud of the change we brought. Here’s to a brighter, more diverse future.

I love it.

Filed Under: Emotions Tagged With: Change, Stress Leave a Comment

January 19, 2021

Why Are We This Way?

As I get older, I find that my ability to deal with certain personality types is rapidly waning. Obviously, as you go through life, you’re going to encounter people and personalities that directly counter your own. That’s nothing unexpected, and honestly, that’s pretty much how humans are designed. However, there’s certain personality types that may not really be seen as counters to your own, or anyone’s for that matter. Those people just seem to set off everyone.

For instance, you have the Combative type. These people would use their last gasp of oxygen in this world to argue with you about something. They could say the sky is blue, and you agree, “Yes! The sky is blue.” and they would then turn around and be like, “Actually, the sky is not blue. It’s grey and depressing.” Needless discourse. If someone states something, they will always push back, and then morph their opinion on the subject with every new bit of input, so that they’re always in either a subtle or directly opposed stance to the topic at hand. It’s exhausting. My daughter is this way and I’m desperately trying to break her of this.

Then you have the Liar type. These people will lie about literally anything, for literally no reason at all. They have to lie. It’s a compulsion, for many. And they always get caught up in it. I don’t know if it’s the rush of trying not to get caught in the lie, or if they’re really just that foolish. Either way, I don’t have time for this. If you want to lie about everything under the sun, that’s fine, but take it somewhere else.

Up next, you have the Boasting type. These people have accomplished everything, probably before you, and they did it better than you if you happened to do it first. Oh. My. Goodness. These people are exhausting. Life is not a series of competitions with your fellow human beings. We don’t need to know how much better you are than us. We don’t know need to know how much cooler you are than us. Being “first” for everything is not always a blessing, because you’ll always be the first to experience the negative, too. Besides, I’ll play Super Mario if I’m feeling a lack of 1-up experiences in my life.

Coming up near the end, quite fittingly, is the Lazy type. These people are simply too lazy. Too lazy for what, you ask? Literally anything. Intelligent conversation? Nope, too much effort. Empathy? No way, that takes thought! Friendship? That takes maintenance and that just can’t be done. I honestly don’t know how these people get through life, but of the time, they’re riding on the coattails of someone who is busting their ass and giving a damn.

And lastly, you have the Passive type. These people can’t do anything for themselves. If there is conflict, these people will panic, bolt, and let someone else decide how they feel. This is not to be confused with diplomatic, the ones who will hear both sides and make an educated choice. No, passives don’t want anything to do with anything. If they’ve done something wrong, they will not own up to it. If someone else has done something wrong and they witnessed it, they will not call them out. They’d watch a bank robbery go down and probably not do a thing about it. They just exist. The distinction between the Lazy type and the Passive type is literally effort. Lazy makes none, Passive will bend over backward and tie themselves in knots, just to get out of having to react to/express themselves.

Now, obviously these are not the main personality types that exist. These are those sneaky, secondary personality types that help mold you into the person you are. These are also just the negatives that I personally have issues with.. there are absolutely positive sub-types that exist that I don’t have a beef with in this particular rant. In that same vein, we all have some semblance of these personality types within us, to a degree. Sometimes they come and go, sometimes they show themselves a lot stronger (maybe when you’re having a bad day or under extreme conflict/stress). The key is how you deal with them. How you keep them under control. How you react to them happening within yourself.

Some people, many really, suffer from multiple at the same time. These people, the ones who are constantly displaying those negative, draining personality types, are the ones that I can’t manage. Lazy, combative liars are just the worst people. They’ll spout what they feel, spout their beliefs, but then they’ll walk away. They’re only combative long enough to get in their opinion, and then they’re gone. They’re not Passive, because I don’t think they fear the confrontation. They’re Lazy, because they just don’t care.

More and more, especially because of the past year and quarantine, there’s been a boom of these people. These multi-negatives, who are loud, bored, and so entitled. Probably, back when I was younger, I’d go toe-to-toe with them and call them out on their bullshit. But these days, I’m too tired to put forth the energy to draw them back into their own fights. I’ve always been more on the Passive side of confrontation, but these days, I’m just strapped for time and energy, so I have a mixture of Lazy and just .. tired.

Either way, that brings me back to my initial statement of feeling like I’m less able to deal with these people and their personalities than I was before.

I’m just tired.

Filed Under: Emotions, Introspection Tagged With: People Leave a Comment

January 18, 2021

Ready or Not

This weekend, though supposedly long, went very quickly. It’s already back to work tomorrow, and honestly, I’m not even remotely ready. I have so much yet to do around the house that for some reason just did not get done this weekend and it’s weighing on me.

My kid has a few things left to do for school before the end of Q2 grading is done, so now I have to contend with that before Wednesday. I have so much to do at work and it’s overwhelming me to the point where I’m just ready to cry before it even starts. I can’t wait until I can get some help. I just hope that it comes quickly.

But overall, I’m just ready for some kind of routine. I need to do a set series of things through the week (my family does too!) and then we’ll just become a bit of a clunky, but well-oiled machine.

I hope.

Filed Under: Emotions, Introspection Tagged With: Stress Leave a Comment

January 17, 2021

It All Falls Down

Sometimes, I can’t help but feel like everything is falling apart. Something good happens and it doesn’t take long before it gets countered by something. You have something you enjoy, something comes along and ruins it. You feel happy about something, something comes along and ruins it. You finally feel productive, and .. you guessed it, something comes along and ruins it.

My life seems to be a non-stop ride of up and down, and the only ‘coasting’ mode I have, seems to be on that down portion. I never seem to maintain the good for any extended period of time.

I’ve been looking forward to a few things over the past few months, and each and everyone of them has had something come along and ruin it. I can’t win. I can’t seem to get any enjoyment without either having it ruined outright, or by some kind of guilt-causing thing taking place so that I can’t even fully enjoy it anymore.

Is it so much to ask for a little bit of good that lasts?

If this keeps up, every blog for 2021 is going to be depressing and bleak. Something’s gotta give.

Filed Under: Emotions, Introspection Tagged With: Disappointment Leave a Comment

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  • Open the Flood Gates
  • Anticipation
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