Disguised.Me

Mirror, mirror.. tell me who you see? Am I you or me? I can never remember.

Disoriented

This entire week has been a wild ride and it’s not even over yet. Emotions are running high, mental health is running low, and everything else is happening in-between. I keep saying that I hope tomorrow is better and that I feel better, or sleep better, or at least can act a little more okay better.. but it’s starting to feel like I’m lying to myself about how much progress I’m making.

I need to unwind, have a few minutes to myself where it’s just me and whatever I want to do, with no people, no sound, no anything. I know that’s what my mental health needs, but I can’t help but be at war inside over how ridiculously selfish and self-absorbed that sounds.

Eventually I’ll make peace with some of the voices screaming inside my head, but for today, it’s just another episode of ‘doing my best and getting by’.

Winter Sickness?

Or sick of Winter?

I am constantly battling some kind of body ache, allergies, migraine, internal lady issues.. just neverending. Today I’m battling a nasty migraine and the worst heartburn.

I just want to crawl into bed for the next 2 years, at this point.

On the plus side, I have found several very promising prospects in my house-hunting adventures, so I’m hoping that things keep looking up that way so that I can finally start to see the light at the end of the tunnel. We’re branching out, looking in places we weren’t before, and seeing some little gems secreted away. Overall, it’s still underwhelming, but every once in a while, we’re seeing something pretty fucking nice.

Please send all good pre-approval and house-hunting juju our direction, because we need this desperately for a serious quality of life overhaul.

Disconnect?

Today was a day of minimizing my online presence, and honestly it felt pretty good. Didn’t check Facebook, didn’t hop on Afterlife, barely even interacted through Discord. Just .. sort of had a day where it was just me, chillin’.

Got some cleaning done, did some reorganization, identified and removed several sources of clutter, and still somehow managed to sleep until noon. It’s back to work tomorrow, but they’re saying we’re going to have another snow day (3-5″ from 8am-3pm), so I’m hoping that someday my car will be out of the snow pile it’s been in since last week.

I’m hoping to make more headway on the awful ‘catch all’ room we have, but that involves throwing out 3-4 very large, very heavy pieces of furniture and my body is definitely not ready. I figure if I get all of it situated so it can easily get down the stairs, then we shouldn’t really have too bad of a time hitting it with some teamwork. After that, it should really be smooth sailing from there, because then I can setup the pieces of shelving that I’ve bought to act as a pop-up pantry.

I’m starting to finally see the light and I really hope that I’m able to make enough progress to where moving is a bit of a joke. Afterall, we’re only taking about 5 large pieces of furniture from this place (and several TVs), so it’s already going to be way better to move out than it was to move in.

If I keep making progress, I feel like my overall mental health and even professional productivity may improve! One can hope, anyway.

A Continuation of Self

I’m constantly at war with myself, trying to find ways to ultimately create a better version of me. In my current state, this means that even the slightest improvement is huge because I’m really, really low. My health isn’t the greatest because of my weight and general lack of communication with my doctor(s), my motivation is next to zero, simply because I’m stressed to death, and my level of enjoyment in things that generally are on my list of positives is basically nothing.

To combat this, I’ve been making a conscious effort to give myself time to enjoy things (playing WoW, crafts, watching things on TV) in between my quest I stated yesterday, which is a massive quality of life overhaul. It’s going well sometimes, and then other times I wake up at noon, disoriented and wondering where the weekend went.

I don’t have a terribly concrete grasp on what will help me, but I know that working into things I once enjoyed is only partially helping. I really need more things to do that are by myself. I don’t get to do any hands-on crafting because I lack space, so that one is pretty much out. But I can still attempt things, in smaller bites, and see what brings a tiny bit of warmth to the spark of joy inside of me.

I want to read, so desperately, but I rarely find that I have the time. When I do have the time, nothing holds my interest. I just stare at the same page, wondering if I even enjoy it anymore. I’d like to try audiobooks for a change of pace, but I find that they’re quite expensive and I’m not 100% sure if Audible is worth the subscription fee. But, as I keep reiterating, something has gotta give in the meantime. Sure it’ll be better when we move because I’ll be able to throw myself 100% in to making a house a home, but until then.. it just feels like everything is a little bit stuck.

Too Many Directions

I’m not sure if my body is reacting to the stress of being pulled into 8 directions, if it’s mad because my cycle had been all fucked up and basically paused since September, or if I’m legitimately being eaten alive from the inside.

Either way, today I felt like (and still feel like) I’m dying.

I barely got through work which was a snow-day-travesty and then I threw all caution to the wind and climbed in bed at 4pm and slept until 7:30pm with a crippling migraine and intense stomach discomfort. Since I woke up at 7:30, I have felt like an overinflated balloon. I seriously don’t know what to even take to help it, but I went with ibuprofen since that will at least somewhat ease the pain in my head and back.

I’m so tired of being 30 years older than I really am, when it comes to physical body pain and exhaustion. Something’s gotta give, eventually.

And I definitely need a new computer chair because I think the DX Racer, while quite comfortable, might actually be killing me faster.

One more day of work and then it’ll be the weekend. I desperately need more sleep than I’m getting, so I’m sure I’ll sleep most of Saturday away.. again.

Azeroth, My Old Friend.

Recently, I’ve gotten back into playing WoW (and mostly enjoying it!) which is a big deal since I basically got my trust broken by a guild that, once again, let me down. It seems to happen every time I find a guild, but this one seemed to last even less time than the others. It’s exhausting, which sucks because I was already tired. But, I did make a couple really good friends in there that I still talk to and play with. It’s been really nice.

Here recently, I’ve been making more time and a more conscious effort to do the things I enjoy, and it’s been helping me motivate myself to do other more mundane tasks as well. Mostly, it’s things like: If I play for x amount of time, I have to stop and do x chore.

Astoundingly, it’s working. I can’t figure out why, because it’s never worked before, but I’m not going to question it too much. I just hope it continues!

Hello, I’m Garbage.

Or at least, that’s how I feel. My body has been acting up the last few days, really just putting me through all kinds of tests. I’m not sure if it’s just a product of normal female issues, or if something greater is at play. I ended up sleeping most of the day way and what part of the day I didn’t sleep, I spent at the damn grocery store.

I’m honestly so beat, I’ll probably sleep all day tomorrow, too.

Winter is so fun.

Personal Strides

Today was a day of being proud of myself.

When I finished work for the day, I logged out of my laptop and immediately went into the kitchen to wash the dishes. Usually I’ll wash a few and then let the pain in my back prevent me from continuing, but I pushed myself to the end. I washed every single dish in the sink (including like 40 piece of silverware!) and I cleaned the sink as well. It may not seem like a lot to other people, but for me, it’s a huge deal.

With the depression, the pain, and the ADD, I’m basically like a squirrel when it comes to cleaning. Start here, remember something that needed done there, go there to do it, remember something that I started a minute ago over there. And before you know it, I’ve done nearly non-existent pieces of 100 tasks and look like I’ve gotten nothing accomplished. So when I say I’m sore and exhausted, it seems made up and like I’m being dramatic.

I know that I need to tackle it in pieces to be able to do it, but the key is to tackle pieces of the same task so that I’m actually getting things completely done instead of systematically making them worse by only partially doing them.

But here we are, making progress, if even for today! I haven’t been proud of myself in a long, long, long time and it honestly feels so good.

Anticipation

Yesterday, I realized that the release date for Super Mario 3D World + Bowser’s Fury is Feb 12th, which happens to be tomorrow (Friday!). This is great, because it’s releasing going into a weekend and I’ll have time to play it uninterrupted. But then.. something amazing occurred to me.

This weekend is a long weekend. A holiday weekend. I will have not 2 uninterrupted days to play it. Oh ho ho, nay, I will have three glorious, uninterrupted days to play it. Which means that I should have it beat by the time I go to work on Tuesday morning.

This is well-timed, because I’ve been sitting in a weird gaming funk after having basically all of my Switch games beat and feeling like I have nothing to play. Honestly, this is so exciting because I never got to play Super Mario 3D World when it was originally released, because I didn’t own a Wii. I’m feeling pretty good about the numerous re-releases they’ve been doing recently on the Switch and I will absolutely keep buying them and enjoying the crap out of them because nothing really beats the feeling of Mario games.

My body is ready and my family has been warned.