Disguised.Me

Mirror, mirror.. tell me who you see? Am I you or me? I can never remember.

A Continuation of Self

I’m constantly at war with myself, trying to find ways to ultimately create a better version of me. In my current state, this means that even the slightest improvement is huge because I’m really, really low. My health isn’t the greatest because of my weight and general lack of communication with my doctor(s), my motivation is next to zero, simply because I’m stressed to death, and my level of enjoyment in things that generally are on my list of positives is basically nothing.

To combat this, I’ve been making a conscious effort to give myself time to enjoy things (playing WoW, crafts, watching things on TV) in between my quest I stated yesterday, which is a massive quality of life overhaul. It’s going well sometimes, and then other times I wake up at noon, disoriented and wondering where the weekend went.

I don’t have a terribly concrete grasp on what will help me, but I know that working into things I once enjoyed is only partially helping. I really need more things to do that are by myself. I don’t get to do any hands-on crafting because I lack space, so that one is pretty much out. But I can still attempt things, in smaller bites, and see what brings a tiny bit of warmth to the spark of joy inside of me.

I want to read, so desperately, but I rarely find that I have the time. When I do have the time, nothing holds my interest. I just stare at the same page, wondering if I even enjoy it anymore. I’d like to try audiobooks for a change of pace, but I find that they’re quite expensive and I’m not 100% sure if Audible is worth the subscription fee. But, as I keep reiterating, something has gotta give in the meantime. Sure it’ll be better when we move because I’ll be able to throw myself 100% in to making a house a home, but until then.. it just feels like everything is a little bit stuck.

Personal Strides

Today was a day of being proud of myself.

When I finished work for the day, I logged out of my laptop and immediately went into the kitchen to wash the dishes. Usually I’ll wash a few and then let the pain in my back prevent me from continuing, but I pushed myself to the end. I washed every single dish in the sink (including like 40 piece of silverware!) and I cleaned the sink as well. It may not seem like a lot to other people, but for me, it’s a huge deal.

With the depression, the pain, and the ADD, I’m basically like a squirrel when it comes to cleaning. Start here, remember something that needed done there, go there to do it, remember something that I started a minute ago over there. And before you know it, I’ve done nearly non-existent pieces of 100 tasks and look like I’ve gotten nothing accomplished. So when I say I’m sore and exhausted, it seems made up and like I’m being dramatic.

I know that I need to tackle it in pieces to be able to do it, but the key is to tackle pieces of the same task so that I’m actually getting things completely done instead of systematically making them worse by only partially doing them.

But here we are, making progress, if even for today! I haven’t been proud of myself in a long, long, long time and it honestly feels so good.

A Year of Firsts (again)!

So far this year, I’ve branched out and tried to do things I haven’t done in a while. For instance, just the other day, I ate an orange. Now this doesn’t sound all that noteworthy, but for me, it was pretty significant. I haven’t eaten an actual orange that I had to peel, in over 7 years. I forgot how damn hard it is.

I had orange peel under my nails. I had orange juice squirt onto my hoodie. My hands smelled like a cleaning supply closet for the next 4 hours (made worse by the addition of hand sanitizer). And the worst part is that I was still just as hungry, if not more so than before I started. Too much effort, not a lot of enjoyment.

The Lego set I put together earlier this month was the first time I’d put together a full Lego set ever, so I’m extra proud of it. It looks awesome and is now one of my proudly nerdy display pieces.

Last night, however, I started on the first actual puzzle I’ve done in well over 10 years. In fact, I don’t even know how long it has been. This one is 1500 pieces and it is absolutely kicking my butt. I don’t remember the pieces being so small or so similar or so dependent on my ability to concentrate. I’m a mess. It’s going to take me forever, but I feel like it’s going to be worth it in the end. I really am quite pleased with how it will look (it’s all Disney villains!) and I can’t wait to finish it, glue it, and stick it in a frame.

Blogging consistently is probably my biggest accomplishment this year, so far. Have they been great? No. Have they been in-depth, soul-searching, tales of life and liberty? No. Do they still count? Yes! It’s not about what I’m blogging. It’s about the fact that I am blogging. I am taking the time to approach some form of release, no matter how vague or short, and I’m doing it consistently. It’s not always at the same time of day, it’s not always something planned out, and sometimes it’s just an update to say, “Wow, today sucked, I’m not doing this with any degree of effort.” but it’s still something and I still took the time to do it.

I’m having a rough run of it, really just losing myself in various bouts of emotion and just not feeling up to snuff, but I am proud of the strides I’m making to try and improve and put myself out there, sharing my successes and failures with others. I hope to inspire others to take the chances, do what they need to do, and experience life. It’s going to be terrifying, but it doesn’t have to own you.

I firmly recommend putting yourself out there, too.

Motherhood: Challenge Mode

One of the things that your parents probably wished on you when you were an annoying little kid, likely went a little like this: “I hope you have a son/daughter that is just. like. you.“

I cannot for the life of me figure out why this is an okay thing to put out into the universe, but it seems that in my little bout of asking around, about 3 out of 5 people had heard the same from a parent/family member when they were growing up. I find that alarming, for numerous reasons.

  1. Why do you want to give your kid something to look back on, that shows them how much of a negative light you have shining on them?
  2. Why do you want your kid to suffer as an adult, through needless (and probably self-created to some degree) trials and tribulations?
  3. Why do you not want to inject some positivity into your life/your kids life, instead of just being like, “Wow, you’re a piece of shit. I hope that your kid is, too!”
  4. Projecting your childhood trauma onto your child so that it becomes their childhood trauma, is some real fucked up madness.

In short, I hate when I hear people say that to their kids.
I hate when people say that to other people about their kids.
I hate that I heard that as a kid. It stuck with me.

It eats at me.

It makes me wonder if part of the issue I have with my daughter’s attitude is something that is self-created out of my own personal childhood trauma.

It fucking sucks.

So, while I’m struggling immensely with my child and her attitude, her defiance, her quest to find out who she is (which, frankly, is a shit journey to go on sometimes and I’m still on it at 34).. I would never look her in the eye and say, “I hope you have one just like you.”

I hope that IF she decides to have children, she doesn’t end up in a position where she projects her own childhood trauma and my parental shortcomings, onto those children. I want her to decide for herself what she wants. I want the universe to give her what she wants and not some selfish hell that I’ve wished for directly in her face.

My trauma is not her trauma.

Calm And Collected

Sometimes, it’s easy to get so caught up with day-to-day stress and anxiety, that you forget to stop and take a deep breath. They say that you should stop to smell the roses on a long journey, because you don’t know what’s waiting for you at the end.

I’ve been pretty tightly wound the last, well, year really. But one thing I can always count on to calm me down and bring me back to focus, is a good, hearty rainstorm. Now, driving in them is not really my thing, and honestly causes me more stress. But sitting at home, looking out the window.. or sitting in an area with a metal roof that I can hear it plinking way, is so calming. Snow storms have the same effect.

The issue is, this year, I haven’t had the chance to truly sit down and enjoy a good storm. It’s always chaos and go, go, go! when a storm arrives, and I miss my opportunity to unwind and just take it all in.

So one of my goals for 2021, as silly as it may seem, is to sit down and experience a storm in all of its majesty. I only hope the universe is willing to play along.

What seemingly simple thing calms you? How rare is it?

Finding Your Happy

Today I’m being asked what makes me happy. I came into this blog post today absolutely positive that I had an answer for this, but the more that I think about it, the more I’m not so sure what things genuinely make me happy.

Obviously, my little family makes me happy. My husband and my daughter are both sources of immense happiness (and immense frustration). That’s an easy answer. The less easy answer is what makes me happy that is my own.

I play video games, but while that brings me joy, it also brings me frustration.

I work on my hobbies, but I don’t have enough space, or even a private space, to enjoy them. So I don’t think they truly bring me the level of happiness that they have the potential to. I don’t ever seem to have time to read, and when I finally do have the time to read, I’d rather spend that precious time doing something else. I don’t have the time to really commit to graphic design/web design like I used to, so my Photoshop remains unused most of the time.

Alternatively, puppies and kittens make me happy, almost always. Most baby animals do, because I’m a simple person. But that’s not really something that creates lasting happiness. It’s just a moment of, “Aww.” and then you’re like, oh, I’m stressy depressy again.

So I think, when it comes to happiness, it’s almost always fleeting right now. I get small bursts of, “Oh! This is happy!” and then it’s gone. I can’t sustain. I know that living where we do has a lot to do with it — second floor apartment, miles and miles away from all of the things to do/our friends, no creative freedom (re: apartment), every space is a shared space with my entire family. I’m hoping that once we move and I am able to curate a space that really is my own and isn’t in the midst of everyone else, I’ll be in a better space and find my sustainable happy.

Blog-A-Day Challenge: 365 Days of Words

I’m not going to lie, this domain has been sitting here, unused, since the start of September. Maybe even earlier. I truly don’t know. 2020 was an absolute mess of a year, as most are aware.. so everything just sort of ran together near the end. I don’t even have the theme all setup yet. But here we are, January 1st of a new year!

I’m grateful and endlessly thankful that I made it through the year, knowing in my heart that so many did not make it. So many did not get to ring in the new year. I also know that so many who did ring in the new year, will likely not be able to see the start of 2022.

I am a person who writes to get my feelings out, but I did not write a thing over the last year. I want to say this is partly why I had so many emotionally-driven explosions in my personal life, but it was just one of many factors. So to combat this for 2021, I have teamed up with my own little cheer squad over at Afterlife, and we have recklessly (and foolishly!) committed to blogging every day for a year. Will we make it? Who knows! Do I have faith that I will make it? No, I don’t. But that’s not going to stop me from trying. Even if I only blog 10 times by years end, that is an accomplishment for my mental health.

On the subject of 10, today the (optional) prompt for blogging is 10 Things About You, which is absolutely my weak spot. Talking about myself is hard because I am always venturing into the negative. So I’m going to take the prompt one step further and require myself to be positive on at least 5 points.

Without further ado, 10 things about me!

  1. I am exceptional at organizing, if given the creative freedom to do so. The more freedom and resources I am provided, the more impressive it becomes. This is true in both personal and professional aspects.
  2. I am an avid player of video games, across all mediums. I mostly play on my PC, but I also play on my Switch and the Xbox when I’m tired of sitting at my desk.
  3. I am absolutely Harry Potter obsessed and the universe is absolutely my safe haven. However, I do not under any circumstances, support the author-who-shall-not-be-named and her views on just about anything. Every time she voices her opinion, a small piece of the magic within me dies, and that is absolutely saddening. She is a real-world dementor.
  4. I am an anxious, unfocused, ADD-riddled mess of a person. I have the focus of a squirrel in a park full of peanuts and I am constantly suffering for it. Some of my worst fears are social gatherings, phone calls, eye contact, and more!
  5. Every November (and two months in the Spring and Summer), I volunteer with some of my awesome friends as a Municipal Liaison for National Novel Writing Month (NaNoWriMo). If you’ve never heard of it, the short version is this: you have 30 days to write 50,000 words. Panic, chaos, and many memorable shenanigans ensue!
  6. I like rainbow-colored everything, almost as much as my 5 year old daughter. Don’t @ me.
  7. I have been to a convention for planners (paper calendars, yes for real!) and it was amazing.
  8. I got my license at 30. Driving used to give me horrific panic attacks and I never wanted to do it. When I moved away from my support system, it became apparent that I was going to need to get my license if I was going to have any bit of success in life. I still get incredibly nervous when I’m driving near tractor trailers, cement barriers, and when I have to parallel park (because that’s not one of my skills), but I make do with what I can.
  9. I have never been outside of the US, including Mexico and Canada. I’m an uncultured bean.
  10. I do not make friends easily and am generally very guarded. This impacts many aspects of my personal life and I’d like to make a conscious effort to make the necessary changes to counter this. But as of right now, I’m that loner kid I was from high school, who has only a couple friends and everyone else is a disappointment.

So, there you have it. 10 things about me and a little bit of back story. Tune in tomorrow for some more fun and adventures. 🙂