Disguised.Me

Mirror, mirror.. tell me who you see? Am I you or me? I can never remember.

A Year of Worry

I, like many other Americans, am very wary of what March brings this year. As it is, we’ve now hit one year of living in the throes of a full-blown pandemic.

Honestly, we don’t have shit to show for it either.

People are still unsurprisingly and unapologetically stupid.

People are still unsurprisingly and unapologetically selfish.

People don’t give one single fuck if they go out and do whatever they want.. and cost someone their life.

I’ve made it through another month of daily posts, for better or for worse. But even more incredible, is that I’ve made it through one of the worst things that has happened in my lifetime. I’m only 34 and I have seen so many terrible things. More things than any one lifetime should hold, but here we are, only about 1/3 into my life (if I’m fortunate to live to a much older age), and life is still somehow trying to raise the bar.

I’m stressed, I’m depressed, I’m exhausted, and I’m really just not even sure where to go anymore. What to feel. Why I feel the way I do, sometimes, is a mystery. Other times, it’s more apparent.

March should be a transitionary month for me, in many ways, but I’m also scared. It has many positives that can come my way, that are already in the works even.. but there are many ways that the pendulum could swing away.

It’s terrifying and I can only hope that, at it’s worst, it’s balanced with good and bad. I don’t think I could take another month of purely bad, let alone another year.

May March bring us all peace, sanity, and a little bit of humility toward our fellow humans. Despite the fact that they’re trying to drive us all to extinction.

Hello, February!

Well, it wasn’t pretty and it wasn’t terribly insightful, but I made it through one full month of Blog-A-Day shenanigans so far this year. Only 11 more months to go. (eep!)

Over the past month, I’ve definitely learned some things about myself. My limitations, the extent of my willpower when it comes to things that I may not really want to do, and my overall attitude when it comes to pushing myself.

I’m not terribly disappointed in anything about the experience thus far, as I pointed out previously, but I do know that I should see some marked improvements as time goes by. It’ll get a little easier, it might get a little more profound, and it might even get interesting by the time we reach the middle of the year!

I can only hope that I find it in myself to continue, no matter how I feel about it, and no matter what barriers are in my way.

Sometimes you just have to treat yourself

Have you ever seen something that is completely non-important, and you just knew you had to have it? You want it so desperately, but you know that it’s absolutely not a necessity for one reason or another. It’s either exorbitantly expensive, too large for your current living situation, too loud, too bright.. always too something.

Well, that item for me was the Harry Potter Hogwarts Lego set. I say was because I did myself a solid and bought it.

Branching off of my post yesterday about finding my happy, I did some deep-diving on my end. As someone who never really had “big” things to bring me joy, I’ve had to come to terms with smaller sources. I was struck with inspiration (and reminded, if I’m being honest) when I was helping little one with her Lego sets that she got for Christmas. I had never had the joy of a large-scale Lego set to put together, and I had been feeling pretty envious for the last couple years after watching my husband tackle the Millennium Falcon build and proudly display it atop our nerdy shelving unit.

So now, I anxiously await the shipping notification from Lego, telling me that my newest source of joy is on the way.

And then I’m going to build the shit out of that just like a little kid, lost in the magic once more.

Finding Your Happy

Today I’m being asked what makes me happy. I came into this blog post today absolutely positive that I had an answer for this, but the more that I think about it, the more I’m not so sure what things genuinely make me happy.

Obviously, my little family makes me happy. My husband and my daughter are both sources of immense happiness (and immense frustration). That’s an easy answer. The less easy answer is what makes me happy that is my own.

I play video games, but while that brings me joy, it also brings me frustration.

I work on my hobbies, but I don’t have enough space, or even a private space, to enjoy them. So I don’t think they truly bring me the level of happiness that they have the potential to. I don’t ever seem to have time to read, and when I finally do have the time to read, I’d rather spend that precious time doing something else. I don’t have the time to really commit to graphic design/web design like I used to, so my Photoshop remains unused most of the time.

Alternatively, puppies and kittens make me happy, almost always. Most baby animals do, because I’m a simple person. But that’s not really something that creates lasting happiness. It’s just a moment of, “Aww.” and then you’re like, oh, I’m stressy depressy again.

So I think, when it comes to happiness, it’s almost always fleeting right now. I get small bursts of, “Oh! This is happy!” and then it’s gone. I can’t sustain. I know that living where we do has a lot to do with it — second floor apartment, miles and miles away from all of the things to do/our friends, no creative freedom (re: apartment), every space is a shared space with my entire family. I’m hoping that once we move and I am able to curate a space that really is my own and isn’t in the midst of everyone else, I’ll be in a better space and find my sustainable happy.

Blog-A-Day Challenge: 365 Days of Words

I’m not going to lie, this domain has been sitting here, unused, since the start of September. Maybe even earlier. I truly don’t know. 2020 was an absolute mess of a year, as most are aware.. so everything just sort of ran together near the end. I don’t even have the theme all setup yet. But here we are, January 1st of a new year!

I’m grateful and endlessly thankful that I made it through the year, knowing in my heart that so many did not make it. So many did not get to ring in the new year. I also know that so many who did ring in the new year, will likely not be able to see the start of 2022.

I am a person who writes to get my feelings out, but I did not write a thing over the last year. I want to say this is partly why I had so many emotionally-driven explosions in my personal life, but it was just one of many factors. So to combat this for 2021, I have teamed up with my own little cheer squad over at Afterlife, and we have recklessly (and foolishly!) committed to blogging every day for a year. Will we make it? Who knows! Do I have faith that I will make it? No, I don’t. But that’s not going to stop me from trying. Even if I only blog 10 times by years end, that is an accomplishment for my mental health.

On the subject of 10, today the (optional) prompt for blogging is 10 Things About You, which is absolutely my weak spot. Talking about myself is hard because I am always venturing into the negative. So I’m going to take the prompt one step further and require myself to be positive on at least 5 points.

Without further ado, 10 things about me!

  1. I am exceptional at organizing, if given the creative freedom to do so. The more freedom and resources I am provided, the more impressive it becomes. This is true in both personal and professional aspects.
  2. I am an avid player of video games, across all mediums. I mostly play on my PC, but I also play on my Switch and the Xbox when I’m tired of sitting at my desk.
  3. I am absolutely Harry Potter obsessed and the universe is absolutely my safe haven. However, I do not under any circumstances, support the author-who-shall-not-be-named and her views on just about anything. Every time she voices her opinion, a small piece of the magic within me dies, and that is absolutely saddening. She is a real-world dementor.
  4. I am an anxious, unfocused, ADD-riddled mess of a person. I have the focus of a squirrel in a park full of peanuts and I am constantly suffering for it. Some of my worst fears are social gatherings, phone calls, eye contact, and more!
  5. Every November (and two months in the Spring and Summer), I volunteer with some of my awesome friends as a Municipal Liaison for National Novel Writing Month (NaNoWriMo). If you’ve never heard of it, the short version is this: you have 30 days to write 50,000 words. Panic, chaos, and many memorable shenanigans ensue!
  6. I like rainbow-colored everything, almost as much as my 5 year old daughter. Don’t @ me.
  7. I have been to a convention for planners (paper calendars, yes for real!) and it was amazing.
  8. I got my license at 30. Driving used to give me horrific panic attacks and I never wanted to do it. When I moved away from my support system, it became apparent that I was going to need to get my license if I was going to have any bit of success in life. I still get incredibly nervous when I’m driving near tractor trailers, cement barriers, and when I have to parallel park (because that’s not one of my skills), but I make do with what I can.
  9. I have never been outside of the US, including Mexico and Canada. I’m an uncultured bean.
  10. I do not make friends easily and am generally very guarded. This impacts many aspects of my personal life and I’d like to make a conscious effort to make the necessary changes to counter this. But as of right now, I’m that loner kid I was from high school, who has only a couple friends and everyone else is a disappointment.

So, there you have it. 10 things about me and a little bit of back story. Tune in tomorrow for some more fun and adventures. 🙂