Disguised.Me

Mirror, mirror.. tell me who you see? Am I you or me? I can never remember.

Disoriented

This entire week has been a wild ride and it’s not even over yet. Emotions are running high, mental health is running low, and everything else is happening in-between. I keep saying that I hope tomorrow is better and that I feel better, or sleep better, or at least can act a little more okay better.. but it’s starting to feel like I’m lying to myself about how much progress I’m making.

I need to unwind, have a few minutes to myself where it’s just me and whatever I want to do, with no people, no sound, no anything. I know that’s what my mental health needs, but I can’t help but be at war inside over how ridiculously selfish and self-absorbed that sounds.

Eventually I’ll make peace with some of the voices screaming inside my head, but for today, it’s just another episode of ‘doing my best and getting by’.

Winter Sickness?

Or sick of Winter?

I am constantly battling some kind of body ache, allergies, migraine, internal lady issues.. just neverending. Today I’m battling a nasty migraine and the worst heartburn.

I just want to crawl into bed for the next 2 years, at this point.

On the plus side, I have found several very promising prospects in my house-hunting adventures, so I’m hoping that things keep looking up that way so that I can finally start to see the light at the end of the tunnel. We’re branching out, looking in places we weren’t before, and seeing some little gems secreted away. Overall, it’s still underwhelming, but every once in a while, we’re seeing something pretty fucking nice.

Please send all good pre-approval and house-hunting juju our direction, because we need this desperately for a serious quality of life overhaul.

Disconnect?

Today was a day of minimizing my online presence, and honestly it felt pretty good. Didn’t check Facebook, didn’t hop on Afterlife, barely even interacted through Discord. Just .. sort of had a day where it was just me, chillin’.

Got some cleaning done, did some reorganization, identified and removed several sources of clutter, and still somehow managed to sleep until noon. It’s back to work tomorrow, but they’re saying we’re going to have another snow day (3-5″ from 8am-3pm), so I’m hoping that someday my car will be out of the snow pile it’s been in since last week.

I’m hoping to make more headway on the awful ‘catch all’ room we have, but that involves throwing out 3-4 very large, very heavy pieces of furniture and my body is definitely not ready. I figure if I get all of it situated so it can easily get down the stairs, then we shouldn’t really have too bad of a time hitting it with some teamwork. After that, it should really be smooth sailing from there, because then I can setup the pieces of shelving that I’ve bought to act as a pop-up pantry.

I’m starting to finally see the light and I really hope that I’m able to make enough progress to where moving is a bit of a joke. Afterall, we’re only taking about 5 large pieces of furniture from this place (and several TVs), so it’s already going to be way better to move out than it was to move in.

If I keep making progress, I feel like my overall mental health and even professional productivity may improve! One can hope, anyway.

Too Many Directions

I’m not sure if my body is reacting to the stress of being pulled into 8 directions, if it’s mad because my cycle had been all fucked up and basically paused since September, or if I’m legitimately being eaten alive from the inside.

Either way, today I felt like (and still feel like) I’m dying.

I barely got through work which was a snow-day-travesty and then I threw all caution to the wind and climbed in bed at 4pm and slept until 7:30pm with a crippling migraine and intense stomach discomfort. Since I woke up at 7:30, I have felt like an overinflated balloon. I seriously don’t know what to even take to help it, but I went with ibuprofen since that will at least somewhat ease the pain in my head and back.

I’m so tired of being 30 years older than I really am, when it comes to physical body pain and exhaustion. Something’s gotta give, eventually.

And I definitely need a new computer chair because I think the DX Racer, while quite comfortable, might actually be killing me faster.

One more day of work and then it’ll be the weekend. I desperately need more sleep than I’m getting, so I’m sure I’ll sleep most of Saturday away.. again.

Hello, I’m Garbage.

Or at least, that’s how I feel. My body has been acting up the last few days, really just putting me through all kinds of tests. I’m not sure if it’s just a product of normal female issues, or if something greater is at play. I ended up sleeping most of the day way and what part of the day I didn’t sleep, I spent at the damn grocery store.

I’m honestly so beat, I’ll probably sleep all day tomorrow, too.

Winter is so fun.

Time Flies When You’re .. Alive?

I can’t believe how quickly 2020 went and how quickly 2021 is going. Some days feel like they stretch on for an eternity, but overall, it really has gone so quickly.

The issue is that I feel like the nights go just as quickly and I’m definitely not getting enough sleep. I’m exhausted all the time, literally falling asleep sitting in a chair during the day, but the moment I lay down at night.. nothing. My brain literally goes into HYPERDRIVE and I think about anything that has every happened in my life, anything that I’ve ever dreamed of happening, anything that could happen, and things that will never happen. It’s always a new adventure and it always has the same conclusion.

Exhaustion.

I don’t know what the solution is because I know that I cannot take any kind of sleep aid or I’ll lose my job in the first week. They don’t always work on me, but when they do work, they work and I die for 12+ hours. I don’t have that kind of time to sleep, usually not even really on weekends, so that’s definitely not a possibility. Aside from that, I really have no idea what kind of solve I would be looking at.

I don’t want to be sent for a sleep study, because those things give me such anxiety, that it won’t even accurately report what is going on with me. So it’s a lose/lose. But I know that something has got to give, or else my body will and I cannot afford a total shutdown.

Please sleep-hoarding goblins, just give me a little bit. Just a taste of it, on a more consistent basis. I beg of you.

Everything is Stressful

Everything is overwhelming when you’re on your own. Oh, is that not how the Lego song goes? Shoot, that’s sure how it feels these days. Looking at houses for sale, dieting, stress management, career-broadening.. just a whole lot of stress and not a whole lot of relief.

I need to find a method of stress management that is both healthy and effective. This is the key. It’s so easy to find coping mechanisms that are unhealthy and even detrimental overall, causing more stress than you were previously trying to cope with. Then you have things that feel like coping mechanisms, but they’re really not. They’re just you fooling yourself into thinking it’s working, but really it has nothing to do with it and you’re still stressed while you do whatever you came up with doing.

It’s a struggle to find balance. I have not found the balance. I haven’t even come close. So that is my quest for this month. Find my balance of stress and healthy stress management, so that I can stop sabotaging my own life and every aspect therein.

Do you have any healthy coping mechanisms? How did you discover it? Does it work?

Clearly, a girl needs help.

Wasted Days, Wasted Nights

Today was an absolute waste of a day. Started out with a delayed opening at work due to the ice storm we had, which meant I was working from home for the first couple hours. Once I scraped the ice off my car in the still pouring freezing rain, I got to work and fought with my computer for the next 5 hours.

Truly a fantastic way to spend the day, if you absolutely hate yourself.

After a wasted day at work, in which I’m now surely so far behind that tomorrow will overwhelm me, I came home and ate a small snack while I’m still in my ‘eating’ window of my fasting cycle. I then promptly forgot to eat dinner and now I’m starving only 2.5 hours into my fast and I don’t get to eat until 11am tomorrow. So I’m considering breaking my fast already and basically making it so I can’t eat til dinner tomorrow, just because I’m fucking ravenous right now.

Basically, today was a total waste and I hope that tomorrow is infinitely better.

Eating Is Dangerous

I don’t know if it’s just an upset stomach or if I’m battling a small case of food poisoning, but either way it’s miserable and I’m going to sleep it off if I can.

Stay safe, wear a mask, and keep cackling at the Bernie memes. <3

Stress: A Constant Companion

I feel like, if I didn’t feel stressed, I would constantly have a cloud of ‘something is missing’ hanging over my head. It’s there with me through the good, the bad, and the ugly. It’s more dependable than most friends (and enemies) I’ve made in my life. It plagues my personal life, my professional life, and even the life I live while I’m asleep and dreaming. Yes, I’m even stressed in my dreams.

However, recently.. I need to find a way to relieve the stress, or at least lessen it considerably, or I’m going to crack. I’m constantly making myself sick with worry, whether or not it’s warranted. I’m trying to turn my life around and get things back on track, but then the dark pit of stress and worry opens up inside and I end up taking way more than just 1-2 steps back on my progress. Half the time, it’s like I’m basically starting over.

Gaming isn’t working. Writing isn’t working. I don’t have a moment of peace to myself to watch a TV series, or a movie, or read a book. I’m at a loss.

How do I destress? How do you destress?

Help.