Disguised.Me

Mirror, mirror.. tell me who you see? Am I you or me? I can never remember.

Disoriented

This entire week has been a wild ride and it’s not even over yet. Emotions are running high, mental health is running low, and everything else is happening in-between. I keep saying that I hope tomorrow is better and that I feel better, or sleep better, or at least can act a little more okay better.. but it’s starting to feel like I’m lying to myself about how much progress I’m making.

I need to unwind, have a few minutes to myself where it’s just me and whatever I want to do, with no people, no sound, no anything. I know that’s what my mental health needs, but I can’t help but be at war inside over how ridiculously selfish and self-absorbed that sounds.

Eventually I’ll make peace with some of the voices screaming inside my head, but for today, it’s just another episode of ‘doing my best and getting by’.

Winter Sickness?

Or sick of Winter?

I am constantly battling some kind of body ache, allergies, migraine, internal lady issues.. just neverending. Today I’m battling a nasty migraine and the worst heartburn.

I just want to crawl into bed for the next 2 years, at this point.

On the plus side, I have found several very promising prospects in my house-hunting adventures, so I’m hoping that things keep looking up that way so that I can finally start to see the light at the end of the tunnel. We’re branching out, looking in places we weren’t before, and seeing some little gems secreted away. Overall, it’s still underwhelming, but every once in a while, we’re seeing something pretty fucking nice.

Please send all good pre-approval and house-hunting juju our direction, because we need this desperately for a serious quality of life overhaul.

Disconnect?

Today was a day of minimizing my online presence, and honestly it felt pretty good. Didn’t check Facebook, didn’t hop on Afterlife, barely even interacted through Discord. Just .. sort of had a day where it was just me, chillin’.

Got some cleaning done, did some reorganization, identified and removed several sources of clutter, and still somehow managed to sleep until noon. It’s back to work tomorrow, but they’re saying we’re going to have another snow day (3-5″ from 8am-3pm), so I’m hoping that someday my car will be out of the snow pile it’s been in since last week.

I’m hoping to make more headway on the awful ‘catch all’ room we have, but that involves throwing out 3-4 very large, very heavy pieces of furniture and my body is definitely not ready. I figure if I get all of it situated so it can easily get down the stairs, then we shouldn’t really have too bad of a time hitting it with some teamwork. After that, it should really be smooth sailing from there, because then I can setup the pieces of shelving that I’ve bought to act as a pop-up pantry.

I’m starting to finally see the light and I really hope that I’m able to make enough progress to where moving is a bit of a joke. Afterall, we’re only taking about 5 large pieces of furniture from this place (and several TVs), so it’s already going to be way better to move out than it was to move in.

If I keep making progress, I feel like my overall mental health and even professional productivity may improve! One can hope, anyway.

A Continuation of Self

I’m constantly at war with myself, trying to find ways to ultimately create a better version of me. In my current state, this means that even the slightest improvement is huge because I’m really, really low. My health isn’t the greatest because of my weight and general lack of communication with my doctor(s), my motivation is next to zero, simply because I’m stressed to death, and my level of enjoyment in things that generally are on my list of positives is basically nothing.

To combat this, I’ve been making a conscious effort to give myself time to enjoy things (playing WoW, crafts, watching things on TV) in between my quest I stated yesterday, which is a massive quality of life overhaul. It’s going well sometimes, and then other times I wake up at noon, disoriented and wondering where the weekend went.

I don’t have a terribly concrete grasp on what will help me, but I know that working into things I once enjoyed is only partially helping. I really need more things to do that are by myself. I don’t get to do any hands-on crafting because I lack space, so that one is pretty much out. But I can still attempt things, in smaller bites, and see what brings a tiny bit of warmth to the spark of joy inside of me.

I want to read, so desperately, but I rarely find that I have the time. When I do have the time, nothing holds my interest. I just stare at the same page, wondering if I even enjoy it anymore. I’d like to try audiobooks for a change of pace, but I find that they’re quite expensive and I’m not 100% sure if Audible is worth the subscription fee. But, as I keep reiterating, something has gotta give in the meantime. Sure it’ll be better when we move because I’ll be able to throw myself 100% in to making a house a home, but until then.. it just feels like everything is a little bit stuck.

Too Many Directions

I’m not sure if my body is reacting to the stress of being pulled into 8 directions, if it’s mad because my cycle had been all fucked up and basically paused since September, or if I’m legitimately being eaten alive from the inside.

Either way, today I felt like (and still feel like) I’m dying.

I barely got through work which was a snow-day-travesty and then I threw all caution to the wind and climbed in bed at 4pm and slept until 7:30pm with a crippling migraine and intense stomach discomfort. Since I woke up at 7:30, I have felt like an overinflated balloon. I seriously don’t know what to even take to help it, but I went with ibuprofen since that will at least somewhat ease the pain in my head and back.

I’m so tired of being 30 years older than I really am, when it comes to physical body pain and exhaustion. Something’s gotta give, eventually.

And I definitely need a new computer chair because I think the DX Racer, while quite comfortable, might actually be killing me faster.

One more day of work and then it’ll be the weekend. I desperately need more sleep than I’m getting, so I’m sure I’ll sleep most of Saturday away.. again.

Time Flies When You’re .. Alive?

I can’t believe how quickly 2020 went and how quickly 2021 is going. Some days feel like they stretch on for an eternity, but overall, it really has gone so quickly.

The issue is that I feel like the nights go just as quickly and I’m definitely not getting enough sleep. I’m exhausted all the time, literally falling asleep sitting in a chair during the day, but the moment I lay down at night.. nothing. My brain literally goes into HYPERDRIVE and I think about anything that has every happened in my life, anything that I’ve ever dreamed of happening, anything that could happen, and things that will never happen. It’s always a new adventure and it always has the same conclusion.

Exhaustion.

I don’t know what the solution is because I know that I cannot take any kind of sleep aid or I’ll lose my job in the first week. They don’t always work on me, but when they do work, they work and I die for 12+ hours. I don’t have that kind of time to sleep, usually not even really on weekends, so that’s definitely not a possibility. Aside from that, I really have no idea what kind of solve I would be looking at.

I don’t want to be sent for a sleep study, because those things give me such anxiety, that it won’t even accurately report what is going on with me. So it’s a lose/lose. But I know that something has got to give, or else my body will and I cannot afford a total shutdown.

Please sleep-hoarding goblins, just give me a little bit. Just a taste of it, on a more consistent basis. I beg of you.

Everything is Stressful

Everything is overwhelming when you’re on your own. Oh, is that not how the Lego song goes? Shoot, that’s sure how it feels these days. Looking at houses for sale, dieting, stress management, career-broadening.. just a whole lot of stress and not a whole lot of relief.

I need to find a method of stress management that is both healthy and effective. This is the key. It’s so easy to find coping mechanisms that are unhealthy and even detrimental overall, causing more stress than you were previously trying to cope with. Then you have things that feel like coping mechanisms, but they’re really not. They’re just you fooling yourself into thinking it’s working, but really it has nothing to do with it and you’re still stressed while you do whatever you came up with doing.

It’s a struggle to find balance. I have not found the balance. I haven’t even come close. So that is my quest for this month. Find my balance of stress and healthy stress management, so that I can stop sabotaging my own life and every aspect therein.

Do you have any healthy coping mechanisms? How did you discover it? Does it work?

Clearly, a girl needs help.

Frustration In All Directions

Every single thing is frustrating me today. Things I enjoy, things I don’t enjoy, things existing.. just everything.

It’s cold, it’s windy, and we’ve got a storm coming in tomorrow that is likely going to dump several inches of snow on us. I’m ready to call this week a wash and start on the next one.

I hope everyone else is having a better weekend than I am.