Disguised.Me

Mirror, mirror.. tell me who you see? Am I you or me? I can never remember.

Wasted Days, Wasted Nights

Today was an absolute waste of a day. Started out with a delayed opening at work due to the ice storm we had, which meant I was working from home for the first couple hours. Once I scraped the ice off my car in the still pouring freezing rain, I got to work and fought with my computer for the next 5 hours.

Truly a fantastic way to spend the day, if you absolutely hate yourself.

After a wasted day at work, in which I’m now surely so far behind that tomorrow will overwhelm me, I came home and ate a small snack while I’m still in my ‘eating’ window of my fasting cycle. I then promptly forgot to eat dinner and now I’m starving only 2.5 hours into my fast and I don’t get to eat until 11am tomorrow. So I’m considering breaking my fast already and basically making it so I can’t eat til dinner tomorrow, just because I’m fucking ravenous right now.

Basically, today was a total waste and I hope that tomorrow is infinitely better.

Open the Flood Gates

Now that the testing has been completed and I can stop stressing about that, I feel a bit of relief. I’ve got a plan to make sure that her weaker skills are getting some practice and that her stronger skills don’t get most of the attention (as they do currently.. which is why they’re stronger). Plus she’s got the start of a routine for her ‘asynchronous’ school work between live lessons, so I’m hoping that helps some, too.

On top of that bit of relief, I’ve completed a rather big task for work and I’m hoping the results of that come back soon so that I can potentially move forward with the next pieces of it, but as I’m being held up by someone else’s task, I’ve just got to wait it out. Completing that was a relief however, so that’s another stressor that’s lessened (but not totally gone yet).

And finally, today was launch day over on Afterlife for the previously mentioned Hoarders event, and though it has had some hiccups, overall it’s going fairly well. People are having fun building their collections and being more active (which is not-so secretly the goal), so I’m really excited about that. Here’s hoping that continues on.

All-in-all, it’s really an alright kind of day. But it can’t last, because we have an ice storm coming in, so I’ve gotta take my victories where I can while they’re hot for the taking. I only hope that it doesn’t knock out the power tonight.

Anticipation

The strange thing about anticipation, is that it can be either good or bad. You can be anticipating something amazing happening, or something truly, fucking dreadful. And then, sometimes you can be anticipating the unknown, which is rarely fun for those of us who have anxiety and an overactive imagination. Tonight, I’m a mixture of many variants of anticipation.

Professionally, I’m anticipating something that could be good news, or could just mean more work for me depending on the feedback I get.

Personally, I’m anticipating a few things. Tomorrow morning, bright and early, the kid has her Q2 benchmark testing. This is to find out if she knows her shit or not, which is not where my concern lies. I know she knows her shit. But I also know that when you put her on the spot, on a video call, she suddenly does not know her shit and she has a tendency to lose her train of thought and get the giggles.

Also tomorrow, our Hoarders collecting event kicks off on Afterlife, which means excitement but also disappointment. I’m somehow notoriously unlucky when it comes to collecting full sets of our decks and I am notoriously uninterested in many of the decks that get voted into rotation. I don’t have very many common interests with the community at large, and this is where it ends up crippling me. I’ll have fun either way, but I really do hope that it brings a surge of life into the board, so that we can continue to build on the community that we’ve got so far.

And of course, the future. Buying a house, moving if/when we manage to buy a house, furnishing a house, cleaning up the place we’re in, change. I’m nervous, but I know that it’s what we need. It sucks here. We generally don’t like it. It doesn’t have anything we really need as far as space and storage. The scary change is needed, but it’s scary. It has so many ways it can go right, but so many ways it can go wrong. I just hope that hoping is going to tip the balance in the favor of good.

All in all, I’m a bundle of mixed feelings of anticipation. Good, bad, and goodbad (is that a thing?) but at least I’m feeling and I’m invested. I definitely went through a phase this past year where feeling was a bit of a challenge.

Here’s hoping that 2021 continues bringing me back to the state of being a functional human being.

Disenchanted

Lately, I find myself disenchanted with the things I used to enjoy. Video games, movies, books.. just everything. I don’t know if it’s because I feel like I don’t have enough time to enjoy these things (I sort of don’t?) or if I’m just not able to enjoy things anymore.

The magic of friendship in games keeps fading, though I have found a small group of people I adore. It’s just hard to feel like I have time to play with them.

I can’t read books because I can’t find a moment of peace to even try to read, and audiobooks seem hard to come by without paying a small fortune. (Anyone use Audible? Worth?)

I don’t have space to do any of my crafting hobbies, really. But I feel like I could potentially build myself space here, if I found my motivation. But it’s just easier to say, “No, I think I’ll wait til we move and have more space.” but I don’t know when that’s going to happen.

My life is an endless loop of procrastination.. even with the things I enjoy. It’s bizarre and probably a large contributor to my overall sour mood with life lately.

Some might call that depression, which sure, it’s likely there and playing its part. But, there’s got to be more. I spend so much of my time telling myself that I don’t have time, that it ends up coming true because I’ve spent all that time going on about it in my own head. If I’d just do whatever I’m saying I don’t have time to do, I’d have time to do it!

Being a complex human being is hard. I don’t think I like it much.

A Time For Change

With the kid finishing up the last of her neglected Q2 assignments (and some more loose tooth drama!), I just won’t have time to come up with anything profound today.

However, today was a history-making day for America, so let’s all take some time to be proud of the change we brought. Here’s to a brighter, more diverse future.

I love it.

Ready or Not

This weekend, though supposedly long, went very quickly. It’s already back to work tomorrow, and honestly, I’m not even remotely ready. I have so much yet to do around the house that for some reason just did not get done this weekend and it’s weighing on me.

My kid has a few things left to do for school before the end of Q2 grading is done, so now I have to contend with that before Wednesday. I have so much to do at work and it’s overwhelming me to the point where I’m just ready to cry before it even starts. I can’t wait until I can get some help. I just hope that it comes quickly.

But overall, I’m just ready for some kind of routine. I need to do a set series of things through the week (my family does too!) and then we’ll just become a bit of a clunky, but well-oiled machine.

I hope.

Time Together, Time Apart

I know that a lot of people are finding it easier to spend time with their partner right now due to COVID, quarantine, stay-at-home orders.. but for me and my husband, who are both continuing to go to work every day.. it’s a lot harder. We’re both irritated because we do have to go to work every day, so we’re out of the house, but we’re not allowed to do anything else (because we’re being responsible and not putting ourselves, our families, and others in danger). Go to work, be around those people, but don’t get to see your friends.

So we get to stay home constantly, with the added bonus of being exposed to the people we work with. Very small pool of interactions means that when we’re home, stuck, we don’t know what to do with each other. Our kid is bored as hell, we’re bored as hell, life is really difficult because of it, and we’re just .. tired.

I’ve been trying to find something we can do, some kind of family night or something, so that we can have something to do and feel that sense of togetherness.. but it’s just not coming. We end up nitpicking and bickering about the stupidest things because we can’t get away from each other, and when we do, it’s to go to our respective jobs and be stressed the fuck out.

There’s no winning. There’s no relief. We’re stuck and it is absolutely debilitating because what can you do? People won’t follow the rules so that we can get this shit taken care of. People are losing their minds in the U.S. every damn day about some thing or another. I swear, the year 2020 should go down in the history books as the year that the human race came down with an extreme case of psychosis, because that’s the only explanation.

Long story short, pretty much every aspect of my life is hurting right now and I don’t have a solution for literally any of it.

Hooray for a ‘new’ year, right?

Stress: A Constant Companion

I feel like, if I didn’t feel stressed, I would constantly have a cloud of ‘something is missing’ hanging over my head. It’s there with me through the good, the bad, and the ugly. It’s more dependable than most friends (and enemies) I’ve made in my life. It plagues my personal life, my professional life, and even the life I live while I’m asleep and dreaming. Yes, I’m even stressed in my dreams.

However, recently.. I need to find a way to relieve the stress, or at least lessen it considerably, or I’m going to crack. I’m constantly making myself sick with worry, whether or not it’s warranted. I’m trying to turn my life around and get things back on track, but then the dark pit of stress and worry opens up inside and I end up taking way more than just 1-2 steps back on my progress. Half the time, it’s like I’m basically starting over.

Gaming isn’t working. Writing isn’t working. I don’t have a moment of peace to myself to watch a TV series, or a movie, or read a book. I’m at a loss.

How do I destress? How do you destress?

Help.

Feeling Like Garbage & Legos

I’m not sure if I’m just generally feeling like crap because of the constant changes in weather, stress, that time of the month, my current shit habits and choices.. or if I’m actually fighting off something seasonal.

I had a day of staying in bed and trying to feel human again (only interrupted a few times by the kid needing help with class) and it just doesn’t seem to be working.

I threw a considerable amount of time into the Lego set that arrived and made it about halfway over the course of two days, but I’m not really able to enjoy it as much as I’d hoped because of how I’m feeling.

My goal is to sleep in tomorrow and make myself feel better by being at least somewhat well-rested. If I can stop being so freaking sore that I wake up every 30 minutes or so in terrible body pain.

My other goal for this weekend (aside from finishing this build!) is to get a gameplan in place for what I’m going to blog and get my planner setup so that I can roll into the rest of January with some kind of idea of what my life is looking like. Well, at least the stuff that I can predict. We’ve seen what 2021 has to offer already.